The Tab I Closed

There was a draft open in another tab for most of the semester. I'd written it in August, one of those documents where you type fast and then immediately title it 'not for the blog' because that's the only permission slip you can give yourself for saying what you actually mean. I'd been opening it by accident for weeks. Every time I'd pull up the blog to write something, there it was.

Tonight I was doing something totally mundane, moving between tabs, mug of tea going cold on the desk, and I saw it. The title. The cursor blinking patiently inside whatever the last sentence was. And I just... closed it. Without reading it. I don't know if that's avoidance or resolution. I think it might be both, and I think maybe that's okay.

The writing class this semester has been doing something to me that I'm still not entirely sure how to describe. My professor handed back that first assignment, the 'describe a place you return to' one, with a margin note that I've been carrying around in my head ever since. I wrote about this blog. I didn't mean to. And then I got the note back and I sat with it and I wrote the running post and I meant every word of it and I think the blog knows what it is now even if I'm still catching up.

october at a desk. not sad, not celebratory. just done.

Closing the tab felt like finishing a sentence I started a long time ago. Not deleting it, I'm not that decisive. Just closing it. Letting it be a thing that exists somewhere in a folder I don't open often, which is its own kind of answer. The semester's almost over. My coffee is cold. Halloween's in a few days and I haven't figured out what I'm doing. Some things resolve quietly and you only notice after.