What I Actually Meant to Say

not for the blog.

That's what I typed at the top of this document four months ago when I realized I was writing a mission statement for myself instead of a post. I saved it. Closed it. Opened it again at least a dozen times. Added a line. Deleted two. Added three back. Left it alone for two weeks after the shoes post. Opened it again last night at midnight.

Here's what it says, more or less: I started this blog because I needed somewhere to put things. I kept it because it turned out other people needed somewhere to find them. I thought those were two different reasons and for a long time I tried to figure out which one was the real one. But I think I've been wrong about that. I think they're the same reason, just from different angles. You write the true thing because you have to. It reaches someone because they had to find it. The whole transaction only works if the thing in the middle is actually true.

Re-reading it. Still true.

I registered for Creative Writing this fall and I buried it in a scheduling post because I didn't know how to say out loud that I wanted to. I wrote a wrap-up about my first semester and called it logistics because feelings disguised as logistics are easier to hit publish on. I have been doing this, writing something real and then putting a practical caption on it and hoping nobody looks too hard, and I think I'm done with that particular strategy. Not because it doesn't work. Because it works too well, and I keep losing the real thing inside the packaging.

The comments started coming in.

So. 'Not for the blog' is apparently for the blog. If you've been reading long enough to notice the gap between what I post and what I clearly wanted to say, thank you for waiting. I think this is what The Hartwells actually is. I'm still figuring out what that means. But at least now I'm figuring it out in the right document.