The Research I Definitely Didn't Do

October twenty-second.

It was a Saturday. Simone had mentioned the outdoor bouldering spot the way she mentions things, offhand, while we were unlacing our shoes after a Tuesday session, not as a proposal, just as a thought said out loud into the air. I nodded and said something like "hm, that could be interesting" and then we went to our respective evenings and I didn't think about it.

Except I did think about it. I thought about it on Wednesday after yoga. I thought about it Thursday morning when I was making coffee. And then on Saturday afternoon I was sitting at the kitchen table with nothing specific to do and I picked up my phone and I looked it up. Not a casual glance. A full investigation. I read multiple reviews. I checked how far it was and whether there was street parking or a lot. I looked at photos other people had taken. At some point I noticed I had been doing this for twenty minutes and I put the phone down and looked at the window.

just doing some completely casual research

The phone went face-down on the table and I sat there for a while.

the part where I pretend I haven't already decided

I have not told Simone I did this. I'm not sure why that feels important to name here, except that the research itself felt like a decision, or at least like the thing you do right before a decision, the part where you're technically not committed but your body already knows how it's going to go. I've been here before. The borrowed shoes. The flyer on the corkboard. The part where I tell myself I'm only looking.

I'm only looking.