The Tab I Didn't Close

April first. I looked it up.

That's the sentence. That's the whole post, technically. Simone mentioned the posting at the end of a Tuesday session in late March, not as a suggestion, just as an observation, the way she does, moving on before I could answer, and I spent about ten days not thinking about it in the specific way you don't think about something when you are, in fact, thinking about it. Then last night I opened a browser tab and read the full description and did not close it before I went to bed. The tab is still open this morning. I don't know what that means yet, but I know it means something, because if it didn't, I would have closed it.

The posture of someone who read it and didn't close it.

Simone came by after Tuesday's session, we'd talked about trying a new place near the community center, then didn't, then ended up at my kitchen counter eating whatever I had, which is becoming its own tradition. I told her I'd looked it up. She didn't say anything for a second and then she said, 'the tab thing,' like that explained it, like she'd already filed this behavior under a category. She's not wrong. I have a whole archive of open tabs that are more honest than anything I've written. This one is just the most recent entry.

She named it before I did. Of course she did.

I'm not writing about whether I want the job. I genuinely don't know yet, and I've learned to trust the not-knowing long enough to let it do its work. What I know is that I looked it up, and I didn't close it, and when Simone asked me what I thought, I said 'I don't know' without the flinch I used to have when I said that. That might be the whole story. Or it might be the first line of a longer one. The tab's still open either way.